Valco Laboratoriot

Valco is a leading Finnish headphone manufacturer that’s been listed in several places. The company delivers headphones and other audio gear worldwide on a turnkey basis. In the long run, the project designed by Valco is expected to create five to ten million jobs in Finland.

Finnish headphone maker Valco is planning a major expansion of its operations toward new, slightly more dramatic horizons. Valco announced today its plan to establish a headphone and Death Star factory in Puolanka. The company aims to open a factory in 2025 that will, all innocent-like, make headphones and speakers, while quietly assembling a Death Star in the background for the purpose of conquering the galaxy.

"We’re excited about what the future holds. Recent guaranteed investments in green hydrogen and carbon-neutral steel in Finland by, among others, an American and a Norwegian company have opened up new opportunities and provide the required resources not only for making headphones, but later also for building the Death Star," says Valco supreme director Henri Heikkinen.

Valco’s planned investment is conditional. The company must first secure funding of a few million euros from the Finnish state, and in addition the company has to sell around a million pairs of headphones. This sales volume would make possible not only the construction of the headphone factory, but also the launch of the Death Star project.

If not enough headphones are sold, the widow of former Zambian president Frederick Chiluba, Regina Chiluba, has promised by email to invest the money she deposited in a London bank into Valco’s project, in the amount of 26.8 million pounds, or about 33.6 million euros.

"State funding shouldn’t be a problem either. If there’s enough money for train trips to Turku by the billion, surely some is available for conquering the galaxy too. Everyone can support this historic project and do their part in conquering the galaxy by buying Valco headphones," Heikkinen states.

According to the company’s estimates, Valco’s investment will bring as many as five to ten million new jobs (first around five jobs, but later, once the Death Star is completed, ten million) and give Finland’s economy a boost of about one trillion euros.

"You don’t need that many people to assemble headphones, but later the construction of the Death Star will definitely provide significant employment. And once the project is finished, we’ll still need plenty of manpower, from henchmen to strike forces," Heikkinen adds.

The Death Star will be built in Puolanka out of carbon-neutral steel. Green hydrogen will be used as its fuel. This will make it possible to conquer the galaxy carbon-neutrally and without dependence on fossil fuels. Valco is committed to environmentally friendly operations in the long term, including during galactic conquest and the destruction of worlds.

"We’re proud to be at the forefront of the green transition toward a more sustainable economy. We have been developing our operations with galactic conquest in mind for the long haul. Valco is committed to advancing the project using every resource at its disposal. Puolanka was chosen as the factory location because Puolanka-style pessimism is close to our hearts. Also, Henri is from Puolanka and never shuts up about it," says Valco’s Great Leader Jani Rajaniemi.

Valco is known for its high-quality headphones, which are part of the company’s strategy to fund the construction of the Death Star. "First we want to make headphones and speakers in Finland. Our final goal is to build a Death Star and conquer the entire galaxy," Heikkinen states.

As a result of the project, Finland’s defense readiness will also improve. The Death Star’s laser cannon will ensure that the armed forces of all the world’s countries become unnecessary, since Valco can destroy the entire planet with a single shot if it wants to. The laser cannon’s power is about 1.21 Googolplexwatts, and the electricity it requires will be produced using green hydrogen.  

Alongside the laser cannon, the Death Star will also be equipped with close-defense weapons and a handy fighter fleet. Weapons systems have also been outlined for smaller, local-scale mass destruction.

"Even though our plan is big, this is still the company’s official decision. We have decided to do this project," Rajaniemi concludes.