Our investor Markus made an exit

Valco Oy, the world’s nicest evil corporation and Finland’s leading headphone manufacturer, announces that subsidized investor Markus Eronen has made a successful exit from the company.

After selling his own company, Markus found himself suffering from a bank account that was just too full and drifted into a spiral of unemployment. In early 2024, he was practically forced to invest in Valco just to kill time and give himself at least something vaguely sensible to do.

At the helm of Valco, his primary goal was to strengthen the company’s financial resources and make the founders’ dreams of gold watches, sports cars, majestic boats, and other similar necessities possible. In the summer, Valco’s shareholders and customers already got a taste of this when they had the chance to enjoy a ride on Markus’s fine boat.

True to his promises, Markus worked tirelessly to make Valco’s founders’ dreams come true. Unfortunately, he expected the same from others, which didn’t quite fit with the company’s Mañana culture and Olympic-level work avoidance. There’s no major drama behind Markus’s departure, though. He moved on to take the helm of a family business that makes doors and windows, and his time simply wouldn’t have stretched far enough to keep balancing that with a mentally exhausting company like Valco.

Now that money will quite literally be coming to Markus through doors and windows, Valco is once again investor-free. In practice, this means nobody is trying to talk sense into us anymore, or demanding any kind of responsibility or systematic thinking. Valco is celebrating this freedom by returning to tradition and burning all the fancy reports, Excel sheets, and a significant chunk of the accounting in one spectacular ceremonial bonfire.

Valco Oy warmly thanks Markus for his generous contribution, his nearly endless patience, and especially his Excel skills, which to our staff were basically black magic. No matter how much he explained his spreadsheets, all we saw were random numbers and mysterious symbols that might just as well have been an ancient Sumerian shopping list.

With his exit, Markus once again proved that Valco really is an incredible money-making machine. His investment turned out to be considerably more profitable than, for example, Tesla stock in early 2025.

Usually companies proudly announce how they’ve managed to raise massive amounts of fresh investment money. In our case, what’s worth celebrating is the exact opposite: our investor got his money, and we in turn now get to keep screwing around as much as we like.

We sincerely wish Markus all the best in his new career. After Markus’s exit, we’ve returned to our traditional way of working, which is staring blankly at a screen and waiting for success to happen on its own, as it should. Our long-term strategy remains unchanged: we are still building the Death Star and bringing the entire universe under our rule, preferably without any of us having to do too much actual work.

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